when the hunt for friendship never ends
When I moved back to San Diego 5 years ago I was lonely, not unexpectedly. I had just left New York, was swimming in a pool of transition and was struggling to find my footing. It took me months to gain the confidence and groundedness to reach out and make friends. (Spoiler alert, making friends as an adult is hard!). It's like a weird form of dating that no one ever warned you about. But eventually I did it, I started asking people out for coffee and accepting invitations to game nights. And eventually I found a beautiful community and began to invest. I made the choice to put myself out there and assume that everyone I came across could use another friend.
Over the last five years, I've been gifted with some of the most incredible friends. People I admire and trust and feel lucky to spend my days with. But to be honest, recently a lot of my days feel like a struggle to find my footing again. I'm 28, single, finally a college grad (only 9 short years in the making people), and a year into a new job. And then, just as I was starting to lift my head above water I foolishly decided to enroll in Grad School, because apparently I’m a glutton for punishment. Like a lot of people, I'm in limbo. I'm between stages of life, I'm leaving one thing and settling into another. And honestly, it's odd and confusing and I'm not really sure where I fit within my social circle. My married friends are in a season of life I can't understand, and I'm in a much different place than my 22-year-old friends (like, what is a club and why are people going there?).
Unsurprisingly, there are people I assumed I'd be close with for years, who I haven't connected with in months. And it's no one's fault really, it's just life. It's growing pains all over again. And what I’m finding, through years of transition, is that it’s in flux. All of it. Our friendships, our jobs, our dreams. It’s incredibly cliche to say, but also incredibly true: the only constant is change itself. The not so glamorous reality is that you’re going to change, and so are your friendships. Some will wither while others strengthen. Some will fade out without much thought while others deeply break your heart. I wish I knew another way around this, but I don’t. I’m convinced, now more than ever, that this is the trade off. If you want deep, authentic community, you have to be willing to sit in uncomfortable seasons of pain and disappointment.
So I’m doing what’s most counter intuitive for me, I’m embracing this whole “change” thing head on. I may be gritting my teeth a bit through the process, but I’m doing it. I’m allowing myself to grieve the loss of friendships and leaning into new ones. I’m trying my best to reach out when I feel lonely, to make an effort even when I’m tired and worn out. I’m sitting in this odd season and not calling it a mistake. I hope wherever you find yourself, you’ll have the patience and courage to do the same.
