Eat First

“Do you know what hospital Jewel is at?”. The words popped out at me from my work phone. The text message was from Jewel’s Aunt, one of the youth in foster care I work with. I quickly learned that Jewel had swallowed 150 aspirin in an attempt to take her life. My body went into crisis mode and I immediately stood up to go find Jewel. And then I realized I was hungry. You see, I was sitting at Krakatoa (a cafe in my neighborhood), working on homework, about to eat a salad. I know that sounds like a bland Saturday, but that’s my life right now. Tons of homework for my online Masters of Social Work program and a lot of coffee. And this salad, ya’ll, let me tell you, I crave this salad. I try not to spend money on food I could easily make at home but I happily throw my money in the trash every now and then because the salad dressing as Krakatoa is some weird form of liquid gold.

So I took a deep breath, slowed down my brain and started to eat my salad.

I am learning there is something profoundly incredible about deciding I am worth showing up for. I am worth paying attention to. I am worth caring for and I am worth nourishing. At the most basic level this starts with the simplest of needs. This starts with food and sleep and shelter. How can you expect to radically change the world when your stomach is empty? How can you expect to be what people need when you cannot even identify what you yourself need? The answer is, you can’t. And neither can I. And that is completely, 100%, okay.

If the best thing we can do for the people around us is to show up (which I believe it is) then we must show up full. We must recognize we have the power to do more harm than good when we show up frail and frazzled and unprepared. Now I am not saying you must be perfect to love well. That is an impossible and ridiculous standard. We are each wonderfully imperfect and we will never have all of the answers, but we must recognize that there is a difference between showing up for people when we are healthy and when we are not.

I finished my salad, every darn bite. And then I went home, took a shower and drove to the hospital. I sat with Jewel for a few hours. I looked her in the eyes and said: “I’m here, I care, please call me next time”. I made her laugh and asked tough questions and sat in silence too. I showed up. Trusting love doesn’t need to be big to be true.

So please, eat first.

Don’t push your hunger to the side to satisfy someone else’s. Don’t destroy your body to be a shelter for another’s. Believe me, I have done this time and time again. I have learned what it feels like to be empty and still try and pour. It is a lonely place that often ends in bitterness and resentment. I thought for years that in order to love people well I had to give every part of myself away.

But I am beginning to understand that the goal should not be to empty myself but to replenish others.

I can be a shelter for others and still protect myself.

I can love and still be loved.

I can feed and still be full.

And so can you.

Buckle your seat belt first. Strap on your oxygen mask first.

You are capable of loving deeply, of healing people who are hurting, of showing up for your friends and family and those who need you most. You are entirely capable. But first, you need to eat.